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How to Deal With People You don’t Trust

How to deal with people you don’t trust. So the ideas however are timeless because the issues of trust are fundamental and I always like to talk about topics that either others don’t discuss directly or that are very key and fundamental to the whole, our own personal well-being and health. So let’s talk a moment about what are trust and the crisis you can even say that we have in the world of trust. So what would life be without trust, if you didn’t trust your parents, if you didn’t trust your siblings, if you didn’t trust your children, if you didn’t trust friends, if you didn’t trust your spouse, if you didn’t trust other relationships and interactions business-wisely? What would life be, we’d be literally in a constant state of the way like fear or paranoia because we would be afraid of whom you know. Trust is the basis and essentially the most important ingredient and maybe the most important ingredient of a healthy relationship of a healthy life.

There’s an element of trust and Trust means someone that you know you can rely on, you can depend on. I’ll be there for you and even an unconditional way so of course I can all areas of life. Everything begins with our childhood; the most trustworthy are our parents. A parent naturally has a biological connection, emotional and psychological connection to a child. So a mother carries a child in its womb for nine months and then when the child is born healthy, parents will nurture, protect and cultivate a sense and validate and reinforce essentially a child and therefore the child will learn to trust those parents. I should actually correct myself and say a child naturally will trust parents because they are the providers, they are the only source of nurturing and sustenance from the youngest of age and if parents are healthy and they live up to it that will actually validate and reinforce the fact that the child can’t trust those parents then of course trust can extend over to siblings and family. The families and then to large extended family and then to friends and educators and hopefully as one grows older, they live in a society or in a community that again is trustworthy this is the best case scenario obviously and it’s important to spell that out because when it’s working that way basically if you can trust someone, you also learn. They teach you how to trust yourself because what really happens when not only that you’re unable to trust. when someone you cannot trust you also begin questioning yourself and especially children but they don’t feel there’s anyone to rely on they also begin to question whether maybe something’s matter with them so validation goes both ways when you have someone that is trustworthy in your life, it’ll teach you to trust yourself and if you don’t have someone trustworthy, it will teach you not to trust yourself so the implications and the consequences of not a lack of trust are very far reaching and deep and it can and can be a wound that one carries their entire life.

 

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So obviously we’re going to address that how to remedy it but I wanted to begin with the best case scenario. the worst case scenario if I may go in that direction would be parents who are absolutely not trustworthy either they are absentee or they’re unreliable in some other way or they’re even overtly or subtly abusive and ways that basically a child who naturally will trust a parent suddenly begins to after a while see this parent can be relied on and the child will fight for that trust. That’s why children will bend over backwards to do anything to love and trust their parents but what happens is after a while that you don’t get that security that child deserves, the child will begin to adjust and need to stop relying or become cynical and obviously as I said also stop trusting itself. now what happens that type of scenario as that child will grow, it will grow into being an unjust that does not trust people if you couldn’t trust your parents who could you trust and this will affect all relationships because parents are the natural people that you want to love and trust and you want your hope that they are there for you and if they’re not there for you from a young age it creates this deep vacuum that will as I said spill over and basically every relationship. I will soon talk about the different ways people compensate but that’s the foundation of the issue of trust now when you think about it, some people you talk to and I will break it into three categories some people you talk to say you can trust nobody people are cynical sarcastic I say no one can be trusted when push comes to shove people are narcissistic they care about themselves now you could trust them if conditionally if you’re doing something for them while they while you’re doing them a favor maybe then you can trust them and some will say you can’t even trust them that that’s one extreme then there’s the other extreme called home the naïve group which say everybody can be trusted and they get hurt time and again until they stop trusting or maybe they never stop but it’s very naïve and they just trust everybody and get hurt in the process because people take advantage and then which of course we’re going to address is how you find a balance how do you find a balance in between the two where you don’t either dismiss trust altogether or trust everything and everyone and of course that is the healthiest version now these three different as I talked about these two extreme don’t happen in a vacuum a guaranteed that a child that grew up in a home that you can trust their parents.

A family units will not be that sarcastic was cynical about trust because if you had it in your life you’ll say you know what I don’t trust everybody but it’s possible to trust because I’ve had it in my life as a child so now the question is can which stranger you meet can you trust them how do you choose the spouse how do you choose a trusting relationship but you have at least a point of reference that you begin with and you have a framework and a background of trusting relationships someone that has not had that you can rest assured they’re going to be either completely put up their defenses and defense mechanisms and not allow anyone in because they don’t trust anyone will always be testing people or putting up other types of excuses and resistance because they don’t naturally trust because they didn’t have it in their lives or interestingly ironically they can end up becoming very naïve and start trusting everyone because they’re desperate it’s like someone who hasn’t rank water thirsty can do two things you either start you question everyone who gives you a drink because you don’t trust anyone or you start drinking everything because you’re desperate you’re desperate for love you’re desperate to trust someone so it’s interesting can go both extremes and even more fascinating I wouldn’t say fascinating because it’s quite painful is that people can actually fluctuate between the two, who had unhealthy intimacy in their short childhood or some way unhealthy relationships. You’ll see they can either become completely celibate or completely promiscuous and they can even fluctuate one to the other because that’s what happens when you don’t have the compass that keeps a balance you can go to extremes now of course the balanced approach is that there is a possibility to have trust in your life and now the question is who you can apply that to that’s not suggesting every person on earth you can trust. There are predators, there are abusers, there are con artists, there are manipulators who can some of them very sophisticated that you have to be careful even if you had a healthy trusting relationship in your life which is your parents or as I said the family unit or the extended social community the education and so on that that still doesn’t mean you can trust everyone so this is part of growing up where you come to realize that you have some type of checks and balances to determine who is someone you can trust or Sonia can trust but if you have that healthy background at least you have something to work with because you have a point of reference and we don’t have a point of reference it’s literally like trying to drive without a GPS without a compass because you’re not sure where to go because who do you look to, how do you determine what trust is exactly so that’s just an introduction that just play lays out the framework of what I want to discuss often it’s very disgusting but most importantly to understand the importance of this issue because very often the issues in our lives are symptoms of the lack of trust that we have which rephrase can also be stated the following, they’re not the center symptom of our insecurities and lack of trust is more or less synonymous not exactly word for word. It’s not exactly the same but essentially when you don’t have trust, you’re insecure because you don’t have good people to rely on.

 

 

When you trust somebody, you know you’re secure in their hands. You ask people for example some of the beautiful memories that children have is that have a father and a mother they knew they could always rely on father would that save you were sad one day. Your father took you in his arms or your mother embraced you well you walk up the street then you feel the warmth of their hands, there’s something that comes ingrained in a child, there’s a certain thing you know you’re enable to feel protected and it creates the cocoon or the womb. I would even say the nest that gives that nurtures a person’s confidence you think of a bird that never has a nest does not have parents that protect it, so you could you grow up in a hostile world and with no one to look to, no one to trust. The same thing is if you look at children in a healthy home and you study it and I’ve studied it many times, you’ll see a certain lack of even drama in health and health does not sound like anything. It doesn’t taste like anything, it doesn’t feel like anything someone else what does it feel like to be healthy. If you give any an answer of the sensation of health he probably needs help. God forbids because health is not supposed to feel like anything it supposed to be a smooth seamless flow your blood is flowing through your veins your nerves are intact you just really feel just fine, someone say what does it feeling find me meaning that you don’t feel anything that’s what it means so health is interestingly does not release its sensationalist as soon as you say one second I feel my heartbeat or I feel thought or I feel a dull pain or a sharp pain or some other thing then you know there may be an issue that needs to be addressed the same thing as psychologically someone says what is a nurturing home feel like it doesn’t feel like anything it just feels safe your home and it just feels like you belong it’s like you’re off like a fish in water if you ask the fish what is it like look life you like to be in water it just it just is where I am is my it’s not a state it’s an experience it’s a state of being you know we say okay I would I travel to this in this place you say how was it you start describing it that means you are really not that’s not your natural place you’re describing what it feels like to experience it basically the verb but a true healthy experience is a noun it’s a state of being so don’t say what does it feel like to be alive now you’re not going to start describing it in exotic terms or say it was awesome you’ll just say it just feels right just feels like I belong I actually don’t feel anything that’s out of whack or out of sync as soon as you feel then something there’s an issue so note if you go into a healthy home there’s no drama meal see love you may see a lot of beautiful things but the dynamics that’s going on are very smooth there’s no drama you don’t hear yelling you don’t hear screaming you don’t hear anything that is extreme because everything is that doesn’t mean there’s no laughter and doesn’t mean there’s no experiences but they’re basically the bedrock is very solid and that’s what every child obviously deserves coming into this difficult world and hostile world to have a home that in this home matter what’s going on outside this door it’s a peaceful environment one of the greatest maybe the greatest blessing in Judaism they saw them it’s called peace and specifically bias peace at home. It’s used so many times Tom sometimes we don’t appreciate it to the extent where Maimonides describes Shawn on bias he says there’s nothing the entire Torah was given only to bring peace to this world because if you don’t have peace nothing that you have nothing else if you don’t have peace of mind you can be blessed with wealth you can be blessed with health you can be blessed with all the gifts but you don’t have internal peace so all of it is is a source it’s all of it is stressful and all of it is not necessarily a panacea to solve your issues on the other hand if a person has that inner peace and calm then whatever comes their way whether it’s blessings or sometimes challenges they have the inner peace that travels with them that’s where you’ll find many people have all the commodities in the world they have their wealthy they have material prosperity and success and yet they’re not calm they’re not peace and then you could have people at peace who don’t have all these material stuff obviously from a point of view haven’t been blessed with wealth and being blessed with prosperity even materially is a great blessing but it’s not that’s what it’s a means and it’s not does not assure the single most important thing was to show them now let’s analyze is worth solving for a moment Shalom in Hebrew translated as peace but what exactly is peace so many people think peace is absence of Wars peace but no if peace is absence of war just as much as love as absence of hate right that would be a little ridiculous love is more than just absence of hate maybe when a person threshold is so low and they don’t have a have love in their lives they’ll say at least have no hate. I already feel love but that’s not well love is a state of its own that’s not just the absence of the opposite the same thing with peace peace is not just the absence of war peace is a state of tranquility and harmony and seamlessness and calm a serenity and I can go on and on with all kinds of words you feel like you belong you feel at a home and everyone who’s ever experienced it does not need much explanation you just have to go back to moments in your life where you felt that way I’ll say something even more even people have grown up in a battlefield of a home where life is not calm but everyone most cases I can’t say every but most cases you’ll find that everyone has some good memories which is why of course abuse is so devastating because people sometimes parents who are abusive or parents who are not who are who not providing the trust and security a child needs that doesn’t means 24/7 that many times and people will say this all the time the problem was my father at times was very loving and he took us to and we had fun and we really enjoyed it but then he turned into a monster you hear this so often and that’s what’s so confusing to a child because the source of your security has now turned into your nightmare to your source of your insecurity so for the stranger it’s one thing or if was always bad it’s one thing it’s much more complicated when part of it is good and times that they have good memories.

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while it’s also mixed with negative memories because you don’t know how to separate especially a child like a snowball very complex and very difficult to address the point that I’m making here is that the dev Trust is basically the it’s so it is so visible really because the trusting environment does not have any big size it doesn’t say trust me you know if you have anyone has to tell you trust me or they put up on the Sun you can trust me I’m your parents that’s not how trust is garnered we garner trust through we earn trust you earn trust and you earn trust by life experiences you can have someone say trust me trust me trust me but then you see in their behavior they don’t behave in a way that you feel you can trust them and then there other people will never tell you anything but you know that when you’re with them you know you can trust them you see that they’re sincere they’re consistent there’s a an element of comfort and so on and this is we all feel this year sometimes walk into our party into a wedding into a bar mitzvah, into whatever it is and you just feel tension in the air usually it’s due to the fact that the hosts are tense you don’t even have to analyze it there’s just tension and then there are times you come into a place you just feel there’s a calm because remember the tension at the top spills over then if the hosts are tense then the caterer is tense and the caterers tends the waiters are tense and everybody is tense and it just becomes like a thick very stressful type of and survive we can always notice it but it’s very often very noticeable and the opposite is also true you come into our place you just feel you know it’s a comfortable place I feel people are comfortable there’s a ease in communication there isn’t everything isn’t loaded with other stuff. So I can go on but I think I just want to put it into context than words so we can all relate to this idea, so to sum up healthy trusting environment is not going to feel like anything you know when you start feeling it.

 

 

When there is no trust that’s when things get loud and dramatic and so on so let’s talk about back to the consequences so when a person does grow up in that type of environment water so then it becomes part of your birthright it’s part of your integral part of your being is that there’s there people in your lot in your life that have loved you and the people that you’ve learned to trust so now comes the question as we grow older what happens next up since we don’t live in a perfect world so even if one grew up in a trusting environment in a home that’s trusting that still doesn’t mean that everything’s going to be smooth that’s why for often you’ll find that people may have a very loving home but at school they may be bullied or there may be other negative things that happen and that can also disrupt a person’s calm because as we grow out of our homes in other words once we become involved not just with our homes but also our schools and classmates and teachers that becomes our extended growth growing and maturing experience so their trust can be breached and can be hurt as well so what happens then but at least if you have a home that’s an environment that’s trusting so you have some resources to lean back on and then what the maturity process is how do you rely on those resources and deal with a world that sometimes can be untrue, an entire untrusting and this is a challenge that all of us go through as we grow older you’ll find that very often children will ask that question they’ll say you know I thought when I grew up at home I’m not saying they have these words but I’ll just put words in them and a child’s mouth when I was home I felt very comfortable secure protected and then suddenly is at school you know either call either a classmate or someone else hurt me or I thought I could trust them and they ended up betraying me so for a child that the first time that they get to the experience such a disappointment or such a breach its it can be very painful so what’s the process good healthy parents and healthy educators will tell the child listen we live in a world where people can be selfish and people can be very self-absorbed self-interest that doesn’t mean there aren’t people you can trust but you have to be wary you have to have your guard up but not all the way because you don’t want to be living in a paranoid life and it’s a matter of selecting so a child growing up will have this battle and at some point will find the balance and say you know what there are people in this world I could trust there people in this world I’m not sure I can and there are people that after a while they earn your trust because you see there as I said before their consistency or other way other things that exhibit that elements of trust so that would be that’s a scenario of a the healthiest type of scenario because as I said the world is not perfect there are always going to be people that we are not able to trust sometimes you have good instincts and sometimes not now again the healthier the home the better your instincts will be because you know what Trust is so then when you see somebody who starts like putting it on we’re trying to maneuver and manipulate you could sense you know this is not what this is not something I can trust because I knew what Trust is but sometimes we’ll make our mistakes who doesn’t make a mistake as they say when a man with experience meets a it’s a man with money the man with the money ends of the man with the experience ends up with the money and the man with the money ends up with the experience so we’re all going to go through a scenario in life.

Their lack of experience we may be gullible we may be naïve and we may be hurt but again if you have the foundations it’s something you grow from and you learn from unfortunately if you don’t have the foundations so then when you’re hurt again and again and again it just reinforces your own inner insecurities you say you know what I never had anyone I trust I still don’t have anyone and you start developing as I said either they’re very cynical attitude or the very naïve attitude most of the cases it’s cynical but they will sometimes it’ll sometimes go to the other extreme because one is desperate as I mentioned before so these are some of the scenarios and I have to cover them all because I’m not just speaking one I want to one person here we all have different combinations or different variations of our own experiences so now I want to break this into two parts and I’m going to dress them very separately. There is the extra issue of trust in general trusting people and how you learn to trust and how you learn to develop relationships that are trusting and secure and then there is the issue which I address but I’ll now separate it people that we naturally should have trusted and end up not trusting because they hurt us and it’s very different it’s like if you go to work and you meet new people so in a healthy person was not going to suddenly say I’m going to trust everybody with everything in my life you know look at now Face-book is going through its own learning growing pains privacy and you know maybe there was people start realizing that they don’t want their private lives everywhere because I’m absolutely like one of the questions one of the senators asked Mark Zuckerberg, you know he opened up and said to him do you mind sharing with me what Hotel you stayed last night you know you saw that one and then he said to him no I don’t want to tell you and what about who you texted this week no I don’t want to tell you and sensor says that’s why we’re here because that’s what’s happening on Face-book and obviously has to be qualified because on Face-book people are willing and wanting to place a tape right with their hotel is the question is if anyone’s using that information without the person knowing but remember you don’t have to be on Face-book but it’s a combination it’s so everyone’s in complicit in some way but obviously this is going to have to be find a balance and people have to realize yes you want to be out there in the social media world there may be things that about you that you’re going to have footprints that could be regulated but at the end of the day you really want a protection just simply don’t go to these places that’s like someone going to a party and telling everybody at the party what what’s what their deepest intimate most secrets and then expecting that no one’s going to share it so I’m not I definitely believe that this needs to find a balance but it’s interesting the psychological elements of it regarding our discussion here I would apply that that the fact that matter is that even if you’re a secure person and even if you grew up in a secure and healthy and trusting home that doesn’t mean that every person you meet you trust on the contrary because you have that healthy backdrop or background or foundation so you know that everything with a grain of salt so you meet somebody who seems to be nice so what a healthy person their attitude will be okay I’m not going to discharge this person but I’m not going to also trust them with everything, it’s more like proceeding with caution type of idea and let’s see so a healthy balanced person is not going to be paranoid and say I can’t trust anyone and always look over their shoulder and second-guess themselves they’ll say proceed of course let me see what happens and a friendship may develop and in a way I don’t know if the word testing is the right word but you are experimenting and as you get to know somebody just think of anyone that’s become a close friend to you doesn’t happen overnight I mean sometimes right away you see this is a person you feel comfortable with but still oh an intelligent person is going to not just suddenly open all everything up as I said a healthy balanced one but you’ll do is you’ll check it out and you’ll see you have a conversation you go out to lunch dinner you know you see person you can talk to and slowly can become a confidant and can become someone you do trust it can become a mentor can become a friend and that’s a very healthy approach so it’s proceed with caution and that’s because you have the healthy balance from your childhood or from your younger formative years so you’re able to maneuver now will you make a mistake from Taunton. Absolutely who hasn’t made a mistake so when you thought you can trust they seem very trustworthy and then for some reason either maybe not always due to their fault or sometimes yes due to them or it may due to circumstances they were pushed to the corner they were pressured and so on and they had to choose between you and another friend so I’m not justifying but then you come to realize you know what I have to be careful I put my trust entirely in somebody you know artistic ability says we shouldn’t trust completely people who offer things because you never know that’s why we have the God we trust because man and the day is fallible and therefore can always disappoint us but that’s also part of the learning experience that maybe you don’t have to trust absolutely somebody parents should be able to be trusted absolutely but then you know grow older and even a healthy of nurturing home you find that your parents aren’t perfect either but they provided that they did their best they provided protection and comfort and short and therefore, Trust but you come to realize you know sometimes my parents not the best person to go talk to but it’s not extremes that’s the point and for a healthy person it’s always balanced it’s always moderation it’s like saying you know what maybe my father he may think he’s the smartest guy in this area maybe he’s not that doesn’t mean you can’t trust him it means that this area you need to speak to someone else just like you know if you need a lawyer or an accountant or a doctor you don’t say one second my parents can provide that that’s not their expertise so Trust doesn’t mean that one person can solve all your problems.

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It means that you have a balanced approach and yes we will make our mistakes but we learn from our mistakes and become wiser as I said the man with experience ends up with mistakes you make teach you the experience and that experience teaches you to be wiser and how you choose friends and so on and so forth that is the basically the healthy approach that’s how we navigate when a person does not have the backdrop then they don’t have that resource which comes naturally to them the security the confidence those people will make the bigger mistakes in whom they trust I’ll either over trust or under trust as I said before either the extreme of almost not letting anyone close even though they’re smart they know how to play the game and they you know they’re people who seem to be close and intimate but really they just put it as they have walls and armor very heavy thick armor around them or they are going to be very gullible and be hurt again and again or as I said it fluctuates so we’re going to discuss of course what kind of person like that do to build trust if they didn’t have that trust but I wanted to discuss the healthy version because you can have something to work with and we have to figure out now how to get ourselves back in a healthy course if we didn’t have a healthy diet of secure and nurturing and trusting relationships from our formative years then this is when I said the area of the area of general trust but then there’s the worse situation much worse is when someone you did trust and hurts you sown you trust this is very often the case in relationships people say feel they love each other and they’re in a marriage and then there’s a betrayal so if it’s a stranger it still hurts but there at least that person didn’t yet prove themselves as being someone you can rely on but let’s say someone you did rely on and it was actually authentic at the time and then you get hurt that’s a far deeper wound because that wound comes because you are vulnerable and you allowed yourself to be vulnerable and you were trusted now have the person is a con artist and just fooled you that’s also painful but it’s even worse when they weren’t and you start wondering what happened like why did this relationship deteriorate and the same this is similar to the relate to what I mentioned earlier people grew up in homes grew up in homes where the people supposed to love them don’t love them that’s far worse than situations where strangers and people that you don’t haven’t yet earned that said that you don’t expected as much so I want to address as I said this from both angles and they’re interdependent obviously they’re interdependent so going back to the healthy backdrop it’s always important to know what is the healthy version of trusts I want to sum up again what I said healthy version of trust is that there are people in this world maybe not many and you can absolutely trust and they’ve proven themselves for their parents or others because they’ve been there again and again you know that you can always turn to them it doesn’t mean they’re perfect that’s a key thing and I’ll talk about that in a moment some more but it means that someone that wants is there sincere in their caring about you and they’ll try sometimes they won’t be able to provide everything you need and that’s critical because many people say if you don’t give me everything I need means I can’t trust you that is a nun hell the expectation and this is a key line I remember really I remember reading somewhere I don’t remember where trust is not built on perfection he’s built on accountability there’s no such thing as perfection and unfortunately what you find many people who say my spouse or my boyfriend or my girlfriend or my partner or my friend or whoever it is is not living up to my expectations and you start exploring it further you find out they are expecting perfection from them that’s usually a person who’s not really learned how to trust healthy as I said goes to one extreme or the other if you’re not going to be perfect then you’ve then you’ve betrayed me but human beings and human beings even very loving and trusting human beings can make mistakes however the dickey so well then how do you distinguish between trust or not trust and accountability a person who makes a mistake and then lies and says no it’s not me and so on then you can’t trust because it’s not like they the besides not being there for you they’re just making believe that everything is fine accountability means yes I made a mistake but you know I still love you I still care about you and then you could trust because you know there’s a mistake made the person will be accountable that is extremely valuable even better than perfection even though some people think I just want perfection. It’s very childish approach it’s not there’s no such thing as perfection so the key thing to remember is that Trust is built on accountability it’s built on a consistency and it’s built on a proven in time than different circumstances as a person you can rely on as I said the first the first model of that would be in our childhood in our homes if you have that that’s a big head start but if but if you don’t that’s what you’re looking to rebuild that’s what I’m going to talk about now which is ok let’s say a person does not have that or they had it and then it was breached or hurt this could happen to many different reasons for example parents’ divorce may love the child, they may have given the child a very healthy trusting home but then they split up and for children that’s a very insecure that feeds their insecurities because suddenly the unit which is the father and mother is no more there and even if it’s a even if it’s amicable divorce and there’s a healthy visitation but now a child is sleeping under two roofs and also has to now deal with the significant other of each of their parents if they do continue on having relationships and these things rattle a child’s security which is a whole discussion of its own I don’t really want to go there because not really the topic but I do want to make a point to mention this is very important children need to feel that they have consistency they sleep in the same bed every night and they know what’s putting them to sleep and they know in the morning they go to school you’ll find children who are uprooted even with healthy families like middle of their youth their childhood to go to live in other countries and so on even if it’s done with all the most than the smoothest possible way there’s always going to be issues because children need that security and depends on the age and I’m not suggesting it’s not doable but don’t think don’t ever take it lightly many people think children are very adjustable that just moved from here to there we’ll find new friends yes that’s possible and children are resilient I’m not denying that but you’ll often find that later on the live they’ll talk about that shift and it’s nothing to do with intention of the parents or the place they go to it’s just a mere fact children need routine they thrive on routine you know why because routine creates security and security is trusting knowing here’s my nest and here’s where I go to every night and if you tell me something you take this nest and we’re moving somewhere else can they adjust yes they can adjust but there has been a shift and it could have an effect now again it’s case by case this is not a statement saying never move and don’t I mean this is the people move obviously they move from city to city or they move even in one city from one place to other this is not uncommon but it’s usually especially if it’s a new culture or new country new language these things don’t take them lightly they should be analyzed they should be I find sometimes parents don’t give enough consideration to that fact they only think in terms of what’s good for us as adults and the children will already come along now it’s important to know and there’s different ages have different effects on children you know a very young age it probably is not as impactful but as soon as you get into adolescence and young teens an older age also is not that significant but those years where the child is trying to adjust to classmates like I see many time people move to another city and the children do not like the school they’re in and it’s not because it’s a bad school they just want their friends because they were secure with those friends you see this many times because friends create again I know I can rely on my friends I know their names and all those different things I have to learn a new name have to learn a new teacher etc touch but let’s move away from that because that’s not really my focus it’s just a detail more than it may be more than a detail a key element in the trust discussion so now let’s address so what happens if a person does not have this secure trusting environment or it was compromised or as I said even worse it was there then some reason either divorce or other shifts a loss a death that happens a parent god forbid dies prematurely it’s definitely a major factor in a child’s life and we see some children suffer greatly everyone’s if everyone is hurt but some suffer greatly and affects them and impedes their life no question and there are others that have a certain resilience or strength that they’re able to dig deeper so what’s a secret it and how do you build trust when either you didn’t have it in the first place or it was breached that’s what I want to address now so going back deeper to dig a little deeper into the issue of trust let’s talk about what exactly why is it so important that a child needs trust.

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Why can’t we just say you know what all of us are blessed with resources and faculties we have minds and hearts and yes we need to mature and grow but hey so it’s a dog-eat-dog world and then you figure out how to become how to survive and not just survive how to thrive in this world the answer is psychologists have different theories for it but I’ll give you the theory on psychology of a cult of mysticism that the theory that the answer lies in a universe in the Bible that speaks about unity to how everything begins as one and then it split up into many you’ll see everything in life begins as one unit and the unit then splits let’s just take even the conception of a child one cell 30 hours later the cell splits into two and that become a splitting of cells that was slowly formed into a into a fetus that will become a child this is true for seeds in the ground had grown to plants and trees or flowers this is showing the animal kingdom is true everywhere you turn you’ll always see there’s the trial the journey from unity towards toward the vision toward separation so what is our most natural state if you go back to the root of it all the genesis of everything it all begins in a nucleus of a unified nucleus from a scientific point of view and also from a spiritual point of view it all begins with one unified force that force then split into many parts so in a sense you could say that all of existence is constantly gravitating back to its original unity which is as the Bible puts it why is there love between man and woman why they attracted to each other so the Bible says because they were created as one and then dragged on his creature male-female in the divine image and then they were split into two and that’s why they will lose seek out each other to reconnect to that unified to their oneness that they once had so it isn’t just some type of attraction or an attraction in order to breed and survival of the speed of the of the species perpetuation of the species but there’s something about unity in the words of the Mystics and the words of Jewish mystics is it’s the divine unity the ephod that we say in Shame that lies at the heart of everything a unified state which then split and we live in a fragmented world but the attention of this fragmented world is to bring it all together into back into that unity which is all hinted to actually in the world a thought occurred in Hebrew and we say the Shimada and the hut is three letters Aleph caste. so Aleph is oneness Hess is seven heavens and earth and Donald are the four directions north south east west and the point is that you want to take the seven heavens and earth which means this space and time and the four directions a space and time and all three and which is split into many parts many moments many minutes hours seconds minutes hours days even months weeks months years etcetera decades centuries millennia and you want to connect it all back to its core unit which is essentially when you speak about Russia Shun is everything goes back as that result says everything reserve revert back to its original state and its and it’s anticipating its renewal and that is really the story of all of life all of life breaks into many parts but look at your body has many parts but a healthy person as I mentioned before is one seamless unit the seamless unit is divided into many parts but we don’t think of ourselves as some of the parts this is the essence of why Trust is so vital because Trust is basically saying I feel I belong here the opposite of trust is distrust another form of distrust is divisive miss when I feel that you and I are competing for resources and I want and you want then I see you as my competitor a competitor can turn into very easily into and an adversary an adversary into an enemy it doesn’t mean it has to be that way but potentially it can be that way because everyone’s competing for the same resources however when you feel trust means you feel that you’re with people who are not here to compete with you and they’re not here to take something from you and they’re not here to use you or to abuse you so Trust is really basically the outgrowth of the most natural state of who we are a fish is completely comfortable in water that’s its place so when a child grows up in the home that’s a peaceful home a home that’s saturated with love and security and all the other things I’m they are completely feel that they belong because they what’s happening is it’s a state of unity instead of coming into a home with a father and mother have different agendas and they argue and they battle and there’s fragmented in agendas and different fragmented priorities then what happens it’s very unsettling because you’re living in a place which is a war zone basically battlefield so Trust is really if you think about it is really this a close cousin to a state of unity and a state of disunity is always going to create a lack of trust so security comes from that type of atlas from that type of unity so if you think of it that way then okay if you get it at home naturally that’s of course the best Head Start you can have in life because in your formative years you learn you deserve it you’re learning you deserve to be loved you deserve to have security and you’re there for you learn to trust you trust your parents it’s just your home. I want to use the home environment and you learn to trust yourself because remember fragmentation without will always cause fragmentation within if you are not trusting others it’s ultimately not going to trust yourself and vice versa even though some people will say one second I don’t trust anyway I trust myself if you trust yourself well it’s much easier to find ability to trust others okay that’s in a situation where things as I said if you have that head starts great if you don’t the key thing is how do you find that unity again that’s the key if you find the unity you’ll find the trust because again the home that is unified a home there you find that the people in the home whether it’s the parents or the older siblings or others that come into this home are all working in harmony with each other and not competing agendas and not and definitely not definitely not contradictory agendas that creates an environment where you can trust you feel this is a place you can trust you go into a war zone who you trust this one says this one says that people are pitted against each other or from parents will pit children against each other take sides and all that comes with that so what we’re looking for is not just struck is not trust we’re looking for unity find unity and you’ll find trust so the question is how do you find unity and again I’m talking now situation where a person did not have the upbringing or the background the answer is you find unity in your own soul and your connection to the divine that’s why this prayer of asthma and God is such a vital prayer because basically if you grew up in a home that was nurturing so in a sense that provided you with a nerd nourishment necessary but if you haven’t you have to create that nourishment yourself and you create that nourishment by feeding your soul and by feeding your purpose in life by finding unity in your life the last thing you want is to continue and perpetuate like a vicious cycle the fragmentation of your childhood.

So what you have to really do is like stop the bleeding by saying you know what I maybe then happened that not have that unified fear of feelings when I was younger but I’m going to create it now so everyone needs that in life whether you grew up in a healthy home are not healthier but someone that grew up in an unhealthy home and unknown unified a divisive environment needs it even more and you do that by really recalibrating your life and say okay why am I here to begin in the morning as I often suggest my soul has returned to me this morning what am I going to do with my soul’s mission today and the more you introduce focus and clarity of purpose and don’t lie yourself this gets swept up in the divisive materialistic forces of life which means the competition in the marketplace and that drive to succeed and you go back to find unity in your life that’s where you’ll find trust will not come as many people think that you know they’ll do I make a lot of money people like me and I’ll try to buy trust or try by love it does not work you need to create that harmony that you do not have or had in some diminished or compromised way and this really is essentially a person’s entire life commitments when we say that a person does different good deeds whether it’s being charitable or is being virtuous or being kind or other different ways a person behaves in a healthy way you’re essentially creating a unified experience in your life and that unity builds an environment that is trusting and you could absolutely do it the challenge is to realize that you have to start building it yourself because it wasn’t given to you so you have to find ways to build it and there are many ways to do it begins with finding focus it’s a spiritual focus in your life spiritual focus means commitments that are not just about you about helping others but serving about dedicating your life to good things to being giving to others that giving creates unity and unity creates trust let’s put it in a more blunt terms a parasite a taker will never feel trust because you’re always taking and you always feel if I don’t take I won’t have a giver is very secure because I feel I can give I feel I have what to give I see people validate what I give and they thank me that type of element lately for example is a lot of talk the whole rage about gratitude how gratitude actually helps you grow gratitude is good for your psyche proven tests that when a person says thank you and shows gratitude it just makes them happier people why because gratitude is unity you’re thanking you instead of being self-absorbed me and you think unify me you’re grasping for the fur furrier you think that’s how you’re going to survive what happens when people are drowning what do they do they pull everyone else down with them because they’re so desperate to me survival instinct is so strong they just pull everyone else down when you see someone that’s giving so and that is expansive and is able to give giving build security because you feel confident you know I have something to give takers always feel less confident and know it sounds sometimes counterintuitive just say what’s saying this person is taking look how much they have know they have if they have it’s like who said if they said that they some people know the price of everything but the value of nothing yes they have a lot of stuff no there’s a lot of people have stuff but they don’t have any value and there are people who give so technically when you give you may have less physically but you have more psychologically because you have the power to give you, have that dignity and dignity by the way goes hand-in-hand with trust as well because of an environment that is trusting is also an environment that will give you dignity and environment that’s not trusting.

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There’s no security means they’re basically stealing your dignity from you, so the way to build unity is the way to build trust in your life is to build unified elements have once a month in your home a class learn with somebody once a week go volunteer do something all the things that are in a way you don’t want to do because you say listen I didn’t have nurturing in my life I need to nurture myself that’s the exact opposite has to be the approach you have to help nurture others you bring unity and then you get the nurturing in return and it creates trust so giving versus taking now what about a situation where person trust has been breached so there do we have an additional challenge not only didn’t you have a place that was trusting you actually had it and then it was torn away from you so this creates a deep wound and disappointment that we all know disappointment can be very painful someone you loved so when you were giving to and you felt it was reciprocal you felt it was reciprocal and instead one day you wake up or one day you find out the person is cheating at you or the person is lying or the person decides you know what I’m no more interested in you know or this could happen in worse ways as I said sometimes life experiences divorce death other circumstances that can suddenly disrupt the person’s nest like literally like a nest and so on sudden these tears apart your nest amazed – my nest is gone so here it still means it’s just it’s just analyzing it does mean that you can’t build it’s just that you have now additional wound which is the loss of something so then you feel maybe I don’t deserve it or maybe I can never fix it so on so we need to describe it we need to understand we need to come up with methodologies and tools how do you get beyond that because here too the goal is ultimately to recreate unity I was just dealing with someone who came from a difficult family life parents only this person was age 117 announced their divorce and it’s a mess the parents are trying to use the children with money and other things back and forth so I told this person who is now nineteen twenty I said look ultimately if even though the inclination your inclination is how to fix your parents because that’s what she wants to do how do I fix my parents maybe I can talk to each one of them unless they bring them together but just I said that’s not what your objective they’re adults and maybe flawed adults and made their mistakes you still your parents and you’ll try to adjust to that but what you need to do is build your life you’re 19, from 20 get married find someone you can love she says to me well I can’t find anyone love because I’m so consumed with this I said exactly you’re consumed with the fragmentation that they brought to you and you’re not control over it because they can’t do anything for them so you need to do is take care build your own life so the challenge is how do you bring this person away from their shattered so-called life platform or whatever words and bring them to a healthier so this is a this is work the problem here is that there’s still the dream that a child has they want their childhood back their idyllic and healthy home back whether there was a healthy home or not I’m not sure probably not so healthy but they watch what they want and you gravitate to trying to fix it and you gravitate to try to go back into the war zone and that’s all you know and it’s hard to build but the key challenge here is to remember that your soul was not damaged by other people’s lives even if it’s parents and even if someone did betray and if even if was a it was a real betrayal you’re not defined by other people’s choices you’re not defined by what has been done to you you’re defined by why you were sent to this world and that is by God and your soul’s purpose in this life I’m not saying I know it’s easier said than done but that’s the mantra that you have to keep repeating that’s why every morning we say again and again the Shaw mission is thought to be the soul you’ve given me is pure. Why do we have to repeat that again and again because life hurts us and life breaks us and life experiences can cause you to think you’re not pure and you’re part of that impurity but you’re not your soul is always pure so even if you grew up in a home that was completely unloving even if was loving and then that love was somewhat broken for whatever reason it was lost your soul is still pure and that’s the most important prayer you should be focusing on every day that you have to know the depths of your heart and soul your soul your being your psyche is pure now you have to figure out that’s knowing that second is how do I access that purity you access it by doing things that are pure by acting on it so even though you’re mu you may not be in the mood you may not feel that way you have to act that way so knowing that it is pure and the fact that and knowing that the fact is that it really is it’s funded in the core level pure and then you act that way slowly what happens is you begin to access that unity which in turn creates the trust that was either lost or was never there in the first place on a conscious level and you learn to trust and you build trusting environments so of course people ask if I grew up in a non trusting environment how can I build a trusting environment the answer is because you’re not a product you just put into a war zone sadly your product of gods you’re not a product of your parents you’re not a product of your home if they provided the love and the nurturing great then they just reinforced what God gave you but if not you still have a semi-hard and you can begin right now and sometimes do exactly opposite of what was done to you build environments where your parents may have been selfish and self-absorbed they drove and they built their home around that you build a life that’s giving instead of taking because that is what’s going to build the security and the trust necessary now of course this requires sometimes therapy and it requires work and inquires sometimes friends and environments that help nurture us but this is the key formula to it all so I’m not suggesting my words I’m just going to solve everybody’s problem overnight I wish that were to be true then we’d have then you know basically 7 billion people following this we’d have a very healthy world but I’m suggesting is that this formula is the formula for it this is the for me now we have to figure out how to implement this formula and this is already case-by-case everybody has to find their I would say support system people that are trusting and but most importantly you don’t want to be continued to feed the toxins just because toxins were fed to you that’s one of the great challenges because you could say this I become toxic environment and therefore I feel I don’t have the tools to bring purity that’s not true absolutely not true you could be breathing 20 years of your life, 30 years if you live toxic air that doesn’t mean you can’t find fresh air now you may be addicted or already dependent on this toxic here you know some people who live in toxic environments when you bring them to a healthy air they start coughing because they’re not used to it okay fine so we need to transition but never ever think that you are a result a product or a victim or a prior a victim of or a result of circumstances the circumstances are real they happened but there’s many things we can do to counter that and some of them I’ve discussed here so in the end of the story is this that there is the ability to find trust even though one never had trusts obviously its court comes down to looking deeper inside yourself and yes In God We Trust is a tremendous asset here because God is only one that is not tainted by toxic environments and by human flaws and as I said before accountability one of the worst things that people do is they continue to cover-up either due to shame or other factors they don’t want to acknowledge their pain or their they see their seemingly in vulnerabilities and even flaws that we may think we have so acknowledging accountability is one of the first steps to learning to trust because accountability is the key here to try to put on a fake show to try to put on the front that everything is perfect everything is great yeah I may look nice for the pictures but it really doesn’t help anyone if anything it continues to feed the façade.

what I want to say the Mirage the illusion the delusion that everything is fine which is part of that itself is toxic so understanding that there are things that are not and that didn’t work out so well is the first thing is acknowledging it and now start bringing in fresh air the effort the unifies bring unity into your life I’m talking about spiritual unity and deeper focus in your life and automatically trust will follow 100% I see this all the time people because the example asks the question always I grew up in a dysfunctional home am I ready to get married because I don’t have the tools and we my going to learn the tools so of course the question is so what are you going to wait what are you waiting for when happened exactly you something going to get these tools with time with time but it doesn’t just come with time you have to do something and sometimes the way to do it is just simply to take the plunge I’m not saying if a person is completely dysfunctional they need may need help so I want to hold their hands but this functionality is going to perpetuate itself if you don’t stop it and you stop it by right realizing that one second I am not a dysfunctional person I grew up in a dysfunctional environment but I am an effort person my soul is a unified entity it’s a pure entity and it’s connected to God wants me to be here those are fat those for all those three statements I just made that your soul is one unit we feed the unity oneness and there’s pure and that’s connected with God because God sent you here and that’s why you’re alive those three statements alone basically say that you’re not a victim of your circumstances you went through that you went may have gone through battle but you’re not a you’re not a product of it you’re not defined by it I should say and you can reconnect to those forces if you choose so the best solution for a dysfunctional person is exactly that get married in the functional way I have a mentor have friends let people guide you, have questions that people tell you and I say what do I doing to have a conflict you know your parents that say do not role model properly so don’t do what they did find out from healthy people what you do when there’s an argument at the yell and scream you have to become abusive you have to become silent or passive aggressive or just aggressive etc.

There are other ways and hang around people who breathe healthily who are nurturing you know are secure in their own way and that’s how you build you build trust by creating trusting environments you don’t build trust and saying I’m waiting for the person who’s perfect and then I learn to trust again no, first of all nobody’s perfect but you have to do is bring into your life introducing to alive this form of unity and this come from this environment that’s giving that is United as I said the pure that engenders and that creates trust now it’s always important to have someone that can help guys as I mentioned because it’s not always easy if you don’t have the tools well you don’t have a role model I should say so it’s important to have to incubate to guess cross pollinate and connect with people who have elements of that because that you learn from people there and there’s nothing wrong with having you know if a parent can serve that role so you can have an adult friend you can have an older person sage a woman or man who’s been through life that sometimes can give wise counsel that’s very non-judgmental and very non-threatening that helps a person.

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It’s like learning how to swim so you naturally have it within you but it may have been I’ve been you’ve never been able to access it consciously so this is just some of the guidelines and obviously this can deserves a lot more discussion than one class but I think I’ve covered enough ground here to give these hope and maybe some tools that we can all use to trust and remember it’s angular comes to you from someone else you create trusting environments and that’s our trust it’s not like we say I’m waiting for the major the miracle man there’s going to come the person I can absolutely trust is inside of you can create trust that people can trust you you’ll be able to trust them and it goes both ways it’s not like the first trust come someone else sometimes you have to learn to trust and learn to trust yourself but that can’t get back to connecting to these core roots of unity which is really the heart the soul of any healthy environment a unified environment and we’ll go back so land bias it’s unified the way people deal with issues the way they deal with challenges they way they even deal with conflict is in a unified way it’s in a peaceful way it’s an intelligent way it’s in a calm respectful way respectful that’s in a critical word as well and if you respect your soul and you respect God that gave you this all and you respect other people’s souls that’s the key to any healthy environment if you don’t have that respect most likely you will not be able to trust or not as it will be able to people will be able to trust you so in the summation the idea that the only way to deal with trust issues is either to not trust anyone and put up our guard because everybody is a suspect is obviously another healthy approach the other extreme to trust everyone and everyone is just a good you know I could just rely on is also to an extreme is going forward and saying that the natural environment of every human being is a trusting one and I have to find people who are embracing it like I do people who want to be con artists or manipulative or insecure in their own way. I want to feed off of others that’s their business not your problem and you begin to recognize these things you begin to recognize as you yourself look for those more secure environments and people who have that you begin to say you know what here’s the people I want to hang out with and hear people I don’t need to hang out with you don’t need to hang out with people you don’t trust now what happens a situation like people ask I have no choice it’s a parent it’s a sibling and I don’t trust them but I have to engage with them so it’s easy relatively if it’s someone that you can’t yeah you can get around or a co-worker you have no choice you got to meet with it.

You can’t quit whatever reason you dependent on a job so that is a great question and I’ll address it now that is comes down to being wise and figuring out how sometimes to minimize as much as possible if a parent or sibling or any environment a work environment is such where there’s people you cannot trust and you know in your heart I’m not suggesting you to start trusting them but you have to do is minimize engagement and focus on priorities it’s like anything in life we’re all going to have things in our day or week or lives that were not really happy with but it’s not about the things we’re not happy with it define your life it’s the balance so you have to create much more time with people you want to be with quality time with people you really do care about and care about you the relationship with these type of people you keep it to a minimum and you say to yourself you anticipate you know I’m have to go to this party I’m going to bite my tongue, I’m going to gnash my teeth, you know I’m going to just control myself and see it as maybe an ordeal God wants you to go through some type of test and get out as soon as you can what I find is the problems that people have is when they become too entangled with these people you have to learn to not be entangled either not try to fix them or not try to completely ignore them because they’re part of your life structure to ignore them it’s not going to get anywhere so you have to find to become cool about it and almost like transcend it now sometimes it can be nerve-racking because you have to deal with let’s say you know sometimes siblings who don’t get along have to deal with a parent that’s not well and you got to sit with your siblings that you just don’t agree with or you find to be infuriating and so on so again if you find connection to your own inner unity and you have other relationships that are healthy that gives you a lot of strength and a lot of power to deal with the more difficult situations if you don’t have that then all you have is this is back to the battle zone again so really the answer is based when I said earlier you have to create environments that are healthy and then when you come to a little unhealthy environment you’re far more secure and far more confident and far more I would say armed with tools to say you know what okay half the next hour or two is going to be a what I call a lip biting experience but then I’m out of there and I’ll go back to my beautiful environment that I do like the more beauty you have in your place I think you know some people love to go to the park but you have to go to work is not always pleasant but that but you go the more you have healthy elements going on in your life the more you can deal with the chat more challenging ones and recognize that everyone’s going to have challenges and part of it just don’t be defined by the challenges and don’t be consumed by them so in every situation as you build the effort that you build that unity and you build that purity and you build that trust trusting environments the more powerful them you’ll be and more immunized will be from the non trusting environments look I think about I think about my own life I think you know I’ve had some in my life been blessed with some very nurturing environments my own home and my own life and then sometimes you go to places and you just feel it you feel people that you can trust feel people who are just completely selfish but since you have that strong foundation so it’s part of okay I have to travel it’s like it’s like sometimes you have to hold your nose and just go through this and then move on you know sometimes that’s how it is you’re on the train and sometimes the train goes through certain stations that you don’t want to be there but you’re going somewhere so look at it as a journey and you hope you can get stronger from even the negative experiences but it doesn’t shake you because you’re not defined by them so the more you create your environment the more you’ll be able to deal with less environments and that’s why and these situations I described before getting married to a healthy person.

you love each other and sometimes you have to go to a party you really don’t want to go to what’s a family or something like that’s a wedding or something but you have a partner and you could smile to each other and wink to each other so you know you know what we’re out of here when we have to be out of here and it’s far more you can endure more because you have other relationships but if you don’t have obviously it’s going to be more and more difficult so key thing is to not define yourself and identify with these negative influences in life even if it’s parents and home and secondly building environments that are healthy and the more you do that, the more easier it is to navigate. so I hope I covered many angles. I was able to cover obviously much more to say but I hope and this is in a way the mission of the meaningful life sense is to create trusting environments but not one that we can demand you have to earn it like I said you earn it by the consistent messages and the ability to be around people and I’ve been blessed to be around people thank God my own team and people I work with and people I spend time with and interact with and I always find that if you create that trusting environment it becomes contagious and even has a viral effect because then it brings out also the best in others and those that have their issues is their problem that’s not why I look at it doesn’t become my problem or someone else’s problem you do your best and the more you give all of that good energy the best is like a little light dispels a lot of darkness.

I find trust and love and unity and all that and purity always will be more powerful than their antithesis which is divisive this and fragmentation it’s only when you don’t have that love then the absence of it becomes very powerful but darkness is only strong when there’s no light so the key is to keep spreading the light building in your own life and automatically begins to spill over so I hope we and the meaningful our Center are doing that for all of you and I hope you can do it for us and together we’re partners in this journey and this venture in this enterprise and we’re here now Passover’s just ended when we get freed from these different constraints including issues with trust and so on and we are now also in the process of the 49 day of counting and refining our personalities seven times, if you’re familiar with my book the spiritual guide to counting the omen. If you go and the app store you can get a free app which is literally you get every day you’ll get every day reminder plus an exercise in the meditation and it’s really a wonderful way to really grow personally to look at yourself and it’s another way of really creating unity in yourself because when you look at your own details the details then evaluate your own personality how much you how you give and how you take discipline in your life the giving and love in your life the discipline your life compassion the endurance ambition and humility and the bonding and dignity of your life those are the seven emotions and seven times seven that alone frees you because you’re able to see where my strengths are where my which what needs improvement so you can check it out get an app and set it settings as you see fit as well as if you like to get the emails just email us and we’ll be happy to send it to you as well and plus many other array a wide array of resources that help you build that nest and they’re trusting environment all that meaningful live.com so everyone have a very trusting and beautiful week.

 

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